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The real meaning behind Personal Ads

 

First the Women

  • 40-Ish-48

  • Adventurer-.Has had more partners than you ever will

  • Athletic-Flat-Chested

  • Average Looking-Ugly

  • Beautiful - Pathological Liar

  • Contagious Smile - Bring your Penicillin

  • Educated - College Dropout

  • Emotionally Secure - Medicated

  • Feminist - Fat, Ball Buster

  • Free spirit - Substance User

  • Friendship first - Trying to live down reputation as slut

  • Fun - Annoying

  • Gentle - Comatose

  • Good Listener - Borderline Autistic

  • New-Age - All body hair, all the time

  • Old-Fashioned - Lights Out, missionary position only

  • Open-minded - Desperate

  • Outgoing - Loud

  • Passionate - Loud

  • Poet - Depressive financially insecure

  • Professional - Real Witch

  • RedHead - Shops the Clairol section

  • Reubenesque - Grossly Fat

  • Romantic - Looks better by candle light

  • Voluptuous - Very Fat

  • Weight proportional to height - Hugely Fat

  • Wants Soulmate - One step away from stalking

  • Widow - Nagged first husband to death

  • Young at Heart - Toothless Crone

  •  

  • The Male side of the list

  •   40-ish - 52 and looking for a 25 year old

  • Athletic - Sits on the couch and watches ESPN

  • Average Looking - Unusual hair growth on ears, nose and back

  • Educated - Will always treat you like an idiot

  • Free Spirit - Will sleep with your sister

  • Friendship First - As long as friendship involves nudity

  • Fun - Good with a remote and a Six Pack

  • Good Looking - Arrogant

  • Honest - Pathological Liar

  • Huggable - Overweight, more body hair than a bear

  • Likes to Cuddle - Insecure, overly dependant

  • Mature - Until you get to know him

  • Open-Minded - Wants to sleep with your sister, but she's not interested

  • Physically Fit - I spend a lot of time in front of a mirror admiring myself

  • Poet - Has written on a bathroom stall

  • Spiritual - Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday

  • Stable - Occasional Stalker, but never arrested

  • Thoughtful - Says "Please" when demanding Beer

 

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