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One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad!,
Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most
beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.

After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with
you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years.
She's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much
excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.
Susan is
actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

George was brokenhearted. After eight months he eventually started
dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly
announced,
"Diane said yes! We're getting married in June!"

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke
the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry
about this."
George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the
news his father had shared. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm
never going
to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells
me the girl is my half sister."

"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "don't pay any
attention to what he says. He's not really your father."


 

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word.

Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.

About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week."


An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle."
"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.


Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.

"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Rollo while you're waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."

The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through and went right over the balcony railing.

Just then Paul's date walked out.

"Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen ?

"To tell the the truth," he replied, "He seemed a little depressed to me."


On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:

"How much for a season pass?"

 


A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw.

The man, terrified, screamed, "STOP! STOP! You're not going to cut it off, are you???"

The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife sent her husband to a therapist who wound up treating him with self hypnosis. And, to her joy, everything got much better.

However, she could not help but notice that each night, early into their lovemaking, the husband would dash out to the bathroom for several minutes. This tormented her until finally, one night, she followed him.

There, in front of the mirror, she found him applying this therapeutic technique: "She's not my wife... She's not my wife...She's not my wife..."

A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife what is the problem. She responds " My husband suffers from premature ejaculation." The counselor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?" The husband replies " Well not exactly, it's she that suffers not me."

A man got on an elevator on the 10th floor, (he was heading to the lobby) on the 8th floor a beautiful woman walked in. they were alone) on the way to the lobby the gorgeous woman hit the stop button. she turned to the man and said "can you make me feel like a true woman?" the man said "I sure can" and excitedly took off all his clothes, he then threw them in the corner of the elevator. he turned to the woman pointed to the clothes and said "now fold them"

This guy visits Kuwait before Desert Storm and mentions to his guide that he has noticed that the men in Kuwait always walk 10 paces in front of the women. "Why is this so?" he asks. "Out of respect to the men" his guide answers After the war he returns and now notes that the women walk 10 paces in front of the men. "I see American influence has changed your attitudes regarding women. What exactly is the reason for the change?" "Land mines" answers the guide.


A guy dial his home number from work. A strange woman answers. The guy
says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid," answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was
her husband."

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make
$50,000?"

"What do I have to do?"

"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch
and the jerk she's with."

The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a
couple of gunshots.

The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"

"Throw them in the swimming pool!"

"What pool?"

"Uh..... Is this 832-4821?"

 

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